Copyright © 2000
Robert G. Ferrell
Weird Gods for All Occasions
I've discovered a cache of moldy old parchments in a
seldom-used subcellar beneath the Hall of Silly Records (next to the
Cowlick County Courthouse) which contain some seriously enlightening
information on the customs and conventions of various ancient deities.
I present some of them here for your perusal and possible edification.
Anuflac was the god of embarrassment. Twice a year his priests
and priestesses made the arduous trek up the slopes of Mt. Jellou to place
baskets of freshly mashed shoes and hemp soaked in strong mandrake soup on
the altar of his temple. Most of the soup leaked out onto their feet, so
by journey's end they were not only tired, but splattered with cold,
sticky soup. Anuflac was most popular with those who had recently
experienced bad blind dates.
Cheslinder was the patron deity of those with small bladders.
To gain her favor, supplicants were required to abstain from parties for
one year, then throw themselves down a rough hillside in a pouring rain,
wearing only two or three meager strips of persimmon bark. As far as
scholars have been able to tell, she had no devoteÚs whatsoever, and in
fact tended to sob a lot.
Deldeaux concerned himself primarily with sticky thighs and
inappropriate bed clothes. He garnered rather a sizeable following when
the high priest of his sect declared himself and all true believers
immortal. The worship of Deldeaux tailed off after the high priest
died of warts.
Gorgastriaum was of indeterminate gender and sociopolitical
stance. (It) was held in reverence by a very select group of hairy little
people who were said to make love to one another up to one hundred and
sixty-three times per day (each), and thus were the only society ever to
have invented petroleum jelly before the wheel.
Mulm was the goddess of jelly donuts and bath cubes. Those who
worshipped at her shrines were asked to make sacrifices of food items
shaped like sexual organs. The historical record seems to indicate that
initiates into her mysteries were mocked at will by the native fauna.
Finally, Tartringele was a philosopher and philanderer who won a
yogurt-lapping contest with the god of bad lyrics; thus was he elevated
to the status of hero.
He had quite a few adventures involving livestock and kitchen utensils,
but eventually he settled down to raise a family. His offspring were the
Pfliebeites, or muses of skin disease, vertigo, and almonds roasted with
salt substitute. His wife was known as "she-who-cannot-whistle."
A lot of what is left is too smeared to translate, so I'll just leave
it at that for now. Good Cheer to thyself and the noble beast upon which
ye traveled to this place.