Copyright © 2000 Robert G. Ferrell

Weird Gods for All Occasions

I've discovered a cache of moldy old parchments in a seldom-used subcellar beneath the Hall of Silly Records (next to the Cowlick County Courthouse) which contain some seriously enlightening information on the customs and conventions of various ancient deities. I present some of them here for your perusal and possible edification.

Anuflac was the god of embarrassment. Twice a year his priests and priestesses made the arduous trek up the slopes of Mt. Jellou to place baskets of freshly mashed shoes and hemp soaked in strong mandrake soup on the altar of his temple. Most of the soup leaked out onto their feet, so by journey's end they were not only tired, but splattered with cold, sticky soup. Anuflac was most popular with those who had recently experienced bad blind dates.

Cheslinder was the patron deity of those with small bladders. To gain her favor, supplicants were required to abstain from parties for one year, then throw themselves down a rough hillside in a pouring rain, wearing only two or three meager strips of persimmon bark. As far as scholars have been able to tell, she had no devoteÚs whatsoever, and in fact tended to sob a lot.

Deldeaux concerned himself primarily with sticky thighs and inappropriate bed clothes. He garnered rather a sizeable following when the high priest of his sect declared himself and all true believers immortal. The worship of Deldeaux tailed off after the high priest died of warts.

Gorgastriaum was of indeterminate gender and sociopolitical stance. (It) was held in reverence by a very select group of hairy little people who were said to make love to one another up to one hundred and sixty-three times per day (each), and thus were the only society ever to have invented petroleum jelly before the wheel.

Mulm was the goddess of jelly donuts and bath cubes. Those who worshipped at her shrines were asked to make sacrifices of food items shaped like sexual organs. The historical record seems to indicate that initiates into her mysteries were mocked at will by the native fauna.

Finally, Tartringele was a philosopher and philanderer who won a yogurt-lapping contest with the god of bad lyrics; thus was he elevated to the status of hero. He had quite a few adventures involving livestock and kitchen utensils, but eventually he settled down to raise a family. His offspring were the Pfliebeites, or muses of skin disease, vertigo, and almonds roasted with salt substitute. His wife was known as "she-who-cannot-whistle."

A lot of what is left is too smeared to translate, so I'll just leave it at that for now. Good Cheer to thyself and the noble beast upon which ye traveled to this place.