Copyright © 2000
Robert G. Ferrell
In the beginning there was darkness. And the darkness was hard to see through, so
God fumbled around until He decided to create light before He banged up His knees
any more. And He saw that the light was bright, so He brought back a little of the
darkness and called it shade. And He saw that it wasn't bad, so He sat down to rest.
Having shade just suspended there without any physical object to produce it began to
bother God, so He created a tree to make the thing more plausible. Besides, He now
had something to prop His back against.
After creating sand, God doodled a little with His finger, trying to decide what to call
into existence next. His first thought for animal life was pretty exciting, but when He
tried to create it, He realized that it existed in too many dimensions at the same time,
and kept falling over on one or more of its seventy-three thousand non-contiguous
polygonal vertices. And it smelled a little funny. To salvage the episode, God then
invented grapes, which led to wine, which led to cognac, which led in turn to
the platypus, the echidna, and the hangover.
Told truthfully, the human race was not uppermost in His mind. He had been on a
primate kick, making new ones right and left (He had already decided on dolphins as
the dominant animal group, intellectually speaking, and was just trying to fill the forests
and plains with furry things to keep the fruit and nut crops in check), and late in the day
had churned out a particularly tall, skinny one when He discovered that He was out of
The stores were already closed, as He hadn't yet invented malls with extended hours,
so it was either leave this one sans fur or wait until tomorrow to finish it. He had a lot of
insects and celestial bodies on the schedule for the next day, so skinny and hairless it
was. And a little more bipedal than He had intended.
What with the lateness of the hour and God's waning interest in the primate line, He
also neglected to give this new creation any significant claws, teeth, or armor. In fact,
the new race had almost nothing going for it until He realized that it wouldn't survive
without a little more equipment. So He gave up the brain he was saving for a
particularly spectacular kind of super dolphin and jammed it in the skinny ape's head. It
didn't fit just right, and nor did it operate per specifications in its new chassis. In fact, it
was downright odd, with a tendency to malfunction in a number of dark and devious
ways. Thus was the Human species born, and neither the Universe nor God would
ever completely recover.
The insects came out pretty well, though.