Copyright © 2000 Robert G. Ferrell

Astrology My Way

Astrology is one of those baffling neurological infirmities that has been around since dirt was a novelty, for which distinction it deserves (or perhaps I should say will be unable to avoid) some mention by Yours Truly. I happen to have made a lifelong study of the stars, planets, and people I encounter from day to day; I will now set down some observations concerning the relationships between what goes on up there and what transpires down here. For familiarity's sake I have included the traditional names for each of the signs, but next to that I give my own version. I hope you can spare enough time away from the Psychic Hotline to read this.

March 21-April 20. ARIES (the Rhinoceros)

Aries people learn slowly, if at all, and therefore tend to make the same mistake umpteen jillion times. They are ambitious, but haven't got a clue what to do about it most of the time. They say things that are totally irrelevant to the discussion. They enjoy owning their own companies, but fail miserably if they try to take an active part in running them because they can't remember what it is they manufacture or provide.
Aries tend to develop a sizeable collection of head bumps from repeatedly running into immovable obstacles such as door frames and trees.

April 21-May 20. TAURUS (the Banana Slug)

Taurus can be translated as "doesn't move much." Some people get the impression from this that Tauroids are patient, but this is true only to the extent that Three-toed Sloths can be said to be patient. An angry or otherwise seriously agitated Tauroid can be detected by watching carefully for toe-twitching, or slightly elevated rate of breathing. The infamous couch potato is a relative athlete compared with the typical Tauroid.
Tauroids enjoy baths, and are consequently the most wrinkled of all the signs. The occupations best suited for Taurus people are road repair and congressional aide.

May 21-June 20. GEMINI (the Wombat)

Geminis are seldom quiet, even in a prolonged coma. They squirm a lot, do trendy exercises at three in the morning, and regularly indulge in pointless activities such as crawling 200 times around a park fountain because someone bet they wouldn't.
Geminis do not have a firm grasp on reality. Cause and effect are largely lost on them; they live their lives without realizing, for example, that water boils because heat has been applied to it. Never allow a Gemini to operate dangerous machinery or run for political office.

June 21-July 22. CANCER (the Fruit Bat)

Cancers will do anything for recognition, and make the best impromptu entertainers. Paradoxically, however, they are easily embarrassed, but then they love the attention they get from blushing.
A Cancer loves to eat and drink, but is so incredibly cheap that he or she will gobble down things that no one else would dream of ingesting, just to save money. This trait makes Cancers invaluable guests to invite over when you return from an extended absence before which you forgot to wash the dishes or put up the leftovers.
Cancers accumulate huge savings accounts, but won't spend this money on anything, not even emergency surgery. They never forget minute details about your personal life or trivial things like batting averages, but frequently can't remember where they put the perishable groceries they bought the day before yesterday, or sometimes even the baby.

July 23-August 22. LEO (the Ground Squirrel)

The Leo is a pronounced hypochondriac and actor. Everything Leos do is exaggerated to the point of idiocy; even simple tasks such as emptying the garbage resemble a drama exercise when attempted by a Leo. Leos like to be in charge, but have no sense of direction and can get lost just going to the bathroom. They are flamboyant enough to get themselves appointed as leaders, but then invariably lead everyone to disaster or at least significant embarrassment as a result of their inability to figure out which way to go.
Leos love pomp, but they aren't very convincing at being pompous, so no one but other Leos (who are only acting, anyway) takes them seriously.
Leos like to wear loose clothing and bathe infrequently.

August 23-September 22. VIRGO (the Chihuahua)

Virgos are rash but cowardly. They think things through thoroughly, then completely disregard their conclusions in favor of random activity. They are quite intelligent, but usually cannot make any practical use of this intelligence, and so appear to be dim and useless. Virgos volunteer for anything. For this reason they are often hailed as selfless, yet in reality they are just afraid to say "no." A great deal of the time, in fact, they are afraid to say anything. They are anal in the extreme, and will straighten picture frames during an earthquake.
Virgos yearn to inherit wealth, and are good at doing jigsaw puzzles.

September 23-October 22. LIBRA (the Squid)

Libras get in trouble a lot, and are usually married or in prison (sometimes both) before they turn 18. They regard house cleaning the way slugs regard salt.
Libras are fond of diversion, and will celebrate at any excuse. They have strong opinions, but they will change them if anyone disapproves. They never act on anything they say, however, so their opinions are worthless, anyway. Libras are very sensitive to others' needs, which makes it easy for them to sense when someone needs help, and avoid them.
The typical Libra is a dedicated social climber who can usually be found in the presence of a willing (or unwilling) benefactor. Libras are generally quite a cheerful lot, because they don't know any better.

October 23-November 22. SCORPIO (the Termite)

Scorpios are troublemakers. They skulk in the shadows a lot, and like to place small, slippery objects on other people's staircases at night. Scorpios love scandal and can often be found at public executions or reading trashy tabloids.
The Scorpio has no aesthetic sense whatsoever, and will gladly pay big money for velvet paintings of bullfighters in fluorescent colors, or green and orange checked Tudor clothing.
Scorpios revel in luxury, so long as they don't have to pay for it themselves. They also enjoy taking things apart, and are happiest when dismantling plumbing fixtures in bathrooms belonging to friends or even new acquaintances.
Scorpios should be given a fresh coat of paint or varnish once a month, and be kept out of direct sunlight.

November 23-December 22. SAGITTARIUS (the Gecko)

Sagittarians are reckless, undependable, and hard to find (especially when there is work to be done). They wander around in a daze most of the time, and frequently forget to dress.
Sagittarians are good at predicting the future, but always forget to tell anyone about it before it happens. Then they think to themselves I knew that was going to happen, which is frustrating because no one will believe them. They themselves are totally unpredictable, and can sometimes frighten others by suddenly leaping up in the middle of a card game or sports broadcast to run down to the store for beer and chocolate ice cream.
Sagittarians should be kept out of high places, because they don't as a rule believe in the law of gravity.

December 23-January 19. CAPRICORN (the Llama)

Capricorns like to climb around on furniture and never, ever make their beds. They will set their minds on a goal and work tirelessly to achieve it, beyond the endurance of most other people, even though it is something that no sane person would want to accomplish, such as having more nose hairs than anyone else in their graduating class.
They are persistent in their ways, and will sit on the lawn for hours trying to stare down weeds, rather than simply pulling them.
Capricorns' favorite method for getting household repairs done is to hold their breath until they turn blue and someone else fixes whatever it is for them.
Capricorns adore instruction booklets, and can be occupied for an entire afternoon by a guide to operating a sliding door, or a recipe for gelatin.
The ideal gift for Capricorns is a box of ball bearings.

January 20-February 19. AQUARIUS (the Space Cadet)

Aquarians are confused by the universe. They don't really understand how anything works, from quarks right down to toothpaste. Because of this fundamental lack of comprehension, they often turn to pseudoscience and talk shows for explanations.
Aquarians like bizarre stuff and collect weird little doohickeys they find behind and underneath things. They are often involved in strange religious movements or offbeat psychic practices like Earwax Reading or Channeling Ancient Sumerian House Pets.
Aquarians are happiest in a group of people who share their passionate interest in making funny noises with their armpits. They enjoy laundromats and fabric softener, not necessarily in that order.

February 20-March 20. PISCES (the Aardvark)


Pisceans hate to see suffering, so they wear dark glasses or hats too large for them. They tolerate almost everything, because they can't figure out how to do anything about it. They can cry at will, and are very popular at funerals and tax audits.
Pisceans are at a loss most of the time, but unlike Aquarians, don't care if they understand anything or not. They are quite easy to abuse, both emotionally and physically, but not much fun because they don't react at all. They form deep attachments to transient inanimate objects such as soap bubbles, then are severely traumatized when they disappear (of course, since they are taciturn in the extreme, it's difficult to tell a traumatized Piscean from any other one).
Pisceans cannot make a decision, no matter how inconsequential. They have the social presence of a folding chair, and the most common reason for inviting one to a party is that there isn't enough furniture.
There have been several recorded cases of Pisceans who were stricken by paralysis and failed to notice.

If I have managed not to offend someone, I apologize. Maybe next time.

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