Copyright © 2000
Robert G. Ferrell
Astrology My Way
Astrology is one of those baffling neurological infirmities that has
been around since dirt was a novelty, for which distinction it deserves
(or perhaps I should say will be unable to avoid) some mention by Yours
Truly. I happen to have made a lifelong study of the stars, planets, and
people I encounter from day to day; I will now set down some observations
concerning the relationships between what goes on up there and what
transpires down here. For familiarity's sake I have included the
traditional names for each of the signs, but next to that I give my own
version. I hope you can spare enough time away from the Psychic Hotline
to read this.
March 21-April 20. ARIES (the Rhinoceros)
Aries people learn slowly, if at all, and therefore tend to make the
same mistake umpteen jillion times. They are ambitious, but haven't got a
clue what to do about it most of the time. They say things that are
totally irrelevant to the discussion. They enjoy owning their own
companies, but fail miserably if they try to take an active part in running
them because they can't remember what it is they manufacture or provide.
Aries tend to develop a sizeable collection of head bumps from
repeatedly running into immovable obstacles such as door frames and trees.
April 21-May 20. TAURUS (the Banana Slug)
Taurus can be translated as "doesn't move much." Some people get the
impression from this that Tauroids are patient, but this is true only to
the extent that Three-toed Sloths can be said to be patient. An angry or
otherwise seriously agitated Tauroid can be detected by watching carefully
for toe-twitching, or slightly elevated rate of breathing. The infamous
couch potato is a relative athlete compared with the typical Tauroid.
Tauroids enjoy baths, and are consequently the most wrinkled of all the
signs. The occupations best suited for Taurus people are road repair and
May 21-June 20. GEMINI (the Wombat)
Geminis are seldom quiet, even in a prolonged coma. They squirm a lot,
do trendy exercises at three in the morning, and regularly indulge in
pointless activities such as crawling 200 times around a park fountain
because someone bet they wouldn't.
Geminis do not have a firm grasp on reality. Cause and effect are
largely lost on them; they live their lives without realizing, for example,
that water boils because heat has been applied to it. Never allow a Gemini
to operate dangerous machinery or run for political office.
June 21-July 22. CANCER (the Fruit Bat)
Cancers will do anything for recognition, and make the best impromptu
entertainers. Paradoxically, however, they are easily embarrassed, but
then they love the attention they get from blushing.
A Cancer loves to eat and drink, but is so incredibly cheap that he or
she will gobble down things that no one else would dream of ingesting, just to
save money. This trait makes Cancers invaluable guests to invite over when
you return from an extended absence before which you forgot to wash the
dishes or put up the leftovers.
Cancers accumulate huge savings accounts, but won't spend this money on
anything, not even emergency surgery. They never forget minute details
about your personal life or trivial things like batting averages, but
frequently can't remember where they put the perishable groceries they
bought the day before yesterday, or sometimes even the baby.
July 23-August 22. LEO (the Ground Squirrel)
The Leo is a pronounced hypochondriac and actor. Everything Leos do is
exaggerated to the point of idiocy; even simple tasks such as emptying the
garbage resemble a drama exercise when attempted by a Leo. Leos like to be
in charge, but have no sense of direction and can get lost just going to
the bathroom. They are flamboyant enough to get themselves appointed as
leaders, but then invariably lead everyone to disaster or at least
significant embarrassment as a result of their inability to figure out
which way to go.
Leos love pomp, but they aren't very convincing at being pompous, so no
one but other Leos (who are only acting, anyway) takes them seriously.
Leos like to wear loose clothing and bathe infrequently.
August 23-September 22. VIRGO (the Chihuahua)
Virgos are rash but cowardly. They think things through thoroughly,
then completely disregard their conclusions in favor of random activity.
They are quite intelligent, but usually cannot make any practical use of
this intelligence, and so appear to be dim and useless.
Virgos volunteer for anything. For this reason they are often hailed as
selfless, yet in reality they are just afraid to say "no." A great deal of
the time, in fact, they are afraid to say anything. They are anal in the
extreme, and will straighten picture frames during an earthquake.
Virgos yearn to inherit wealth, and are good at doing jigsaw puzzles.
September 23-October 22. LIBRA (the Squid)
Libras get in trouble a lot, and are usually married or in prison
(sometimes both) before they turn 18. They regard house cleaning the way
slugs regard salt.
Libras are fond of diversion, and will celebrate at any excuse. They
have strong opinions, but they will change them if anyone disapproves.
They never act on anything they say, however, so their opinions are
worthless, anyway. Libras are very sensitive to others' needs, which makes
it easy for them to sense when someone needs help, and avoid them.
The typical Libra is a dedicated social climber who can usually be
found in the presence of a willing (or unwilling) benefactor. Libras are
generally quite a cheerful lot, because they don't know any better.
October 23-November 22. SCORPIO (the Termite)
Scorpios are troublemakers. They skulk in the shadows a lot, and like
to place small, slippery objects on other people's staircases at night.
Scorpios love scandal and can often be found at public executions or
reading trashy tabloids.
The Scorpio has no aesthetic sense whatsoever, and will gladly pay big
money for velvet paintings of bullfighters in fluorescent colors, or green
and orange checked Tudor clothing.
Scorpios revel in luxury, so long as they don't have to pay for it
themselves. They also enjoy taking things apart, and are happiest when
dismantling plumbing fixtures in bathrooms belonging to friends or even new
Scorpios should be given a fresh coat of paint or varnish once a month,
and be kept out of direct sunlight.
November 23-December 22. SAGITTARIUS (the Gecko)
Sagittarians are reckless, undependable, and hard to find (especially
when there is work to be done). They wander around in a daze most of the
time, and frequently forget to dress.
Sagittarians are good at predicting the future, but always forget to
tell anyone about it before it happens. Then they think to themselves I
knew that was going to happen, which is frustrating because no one will
believe them. They themselves are totally unpredictable, and can sometimes
frighten others by suddenly leaping up in the middle of a card game or
sports broadcast to run down to the store for beer and chocolate ice cream.
Sagittarians should be kept out of high places, because they don't as a rule
believe in the law of gravity.
December 23-January 19. CAPRICORN (the Llama)
Capricorns like to climb around on furniture and never, ever make their
beds. They will set their minds on a goal and work tirelessly to achieve
it, beyond the endurance of most other people, even though it is something
that no sane person would want to accomplish, such as having more nose hairs than anyone else in their graduating class.
They are persistent in their ways, and will sit on the lawn for hours
trying to stare down weeds, rather than simply pulling them.
Capricorns' favorite method for getting household repairs done is to
hold their breath until they turn blue and someone else fixes whatever it
is for them.
Capricorns adore instruction booklets, and can be occupied for an
entire afternoon by a guide to operating a sliding door, or a recipe for
The ideal gift for Capricorns is a box of ball bearings.
January 20-February 19. AQUARIUS (the Space Cadet)
Aquarians are confused by the universe. They don't really understand
how anything works, from quarks right down to toothpaste. Because of this
fundamental lack of comprehension, they often turn to pseudoscience and
talk shows for explanations.
Aquarians like bizarre stuff and collect weird little doohickeys they
find behind and underneath things. They are often involved in strange
religious movements or offbeat psychic practices like Earwax Reading or
Channeling Ancient Sumerian House Pets.
Aquarians are happiest in a group of people who share their passionate
interest in making funny noises with their armpits. They enjoy laundromats
and fabric softener, not necessarily in that order.
February 20-March 20. PISCES (the Aardvark)
Pisceans hate to see suffering, so they wear dark glasses or hats too
large for them. They tolerate almost everything, because they can't figure
out how to do anything about it. They can cry at will, and are very
popular at funerals and tax audits.
Pisceans are at a loss most of the time, but unlike Aquarians, don't
care if they understand anything or not. They are quite easy to abuse,
both emotionally and physically, but not much fun because they don't react
at all. They form deep attachments to transient inanimate objects such as
soap bubbles, then are severely traumatized when they disappear (of course,
since they are taciturn in the extreme, it's difficult to tell a traumatized
Piscean from any other one).
Pisceans cannot make a decision, no matter how inconsequential. They
have the social presence of a folding chair, and the most common reason for
inviting one to a party is that there isn't enough furniture.
There have been several recorded cases of Pisceans who were stricken by
paralysis and failed to notice.
If I have managed not to offend someone, I apologize. Maybe next time.
Back to the phones!